Saturday, September 11, 2010

Idiot Bragging Rights

Let's talk about toilet running real quick.

So on Monday, Labor Day, I decided to do a nice hour long run.  Do a little stretch, take a sip of water-and out the door. I took off at around 3 P.M. without checking the conditions outside.  Turns out it was 96 degrees, 28 mph wind gusting to 42 and humid as could be (see diagram below).  But have no fear! A T.R. would never let something like wind or heat prevent him from having a great run.  I took off and was going along at a pretty decent clip (about 7:20 per mile) and thought "Sure, I'll be able to hold this pace for an hour."   It was super hot, a lot of wind-but luckily I had a bunch of jumpy grasshopper friends and a new running path to discover-both of which kept me going.  A few nice Wichita folks jogged by me and I flashed a huge smile and gave an obnoxiously happy wave (gotta make friends!). About half returned a wave but few smiled.  The runners I waved to were normal.  Before going on a run they worry about sore legs and whether they have the energy to workout today.  Toilet Runners do not worry about such things...

20 minutes into my run I realized that the stomach was not going to let me continue without some attention.  I had been "crop dusting" all over the trail (when no one was behind me of course) but this was not curing the issue arising below my belly button. Pain. Pain. And more pain. Either the Pain comes out-or I give up the ghost and walk home from here.  8 minutes later I see a small wooded area and head straight for it.  A nice leafy tree appears and I grab some foliage on my way in.  I start walking and ensure I have a bit of privacy.  T.R. Manual: Rule 53-just when you think you've gone in far enough-go twice as far.  Look left.  Look right.  Crouch.  Look left again.  Look right again.  Release.  Use leaves.  Use more leaves.  Stand up and bolt back onto the trail praying you don't run over some other runner who will surely know you are a T.R. and know the deed that has been done.

I turned back around and headed home.  It was so hot that my body ran out of extra sweat and stopped sweating about 30 minutes in. Soon after, goosebumps appeared all over my arms and neck. The wind howled in my face and slowed me to what felt like a crawl.  But Toilet Runners never quit-especially when continuing is dumb, and makes little sense, and might make you feel funny for the rest of the run; like you're head is full of helium and your feet are tingly.  These things just happen when you force your body to do the opposite of what it would rather be doing-which is sitting on the couch, eating hand fulls of shredded cheese while watching skateboarding videos (silly body-this comes AFTER the run).

The time ended up being 57:28 and I did a little under 8 miles.  Do a little stretch, take a sip of water and hit the floor.  Toilet Runner 1-Nature 0.  I live to run another day.

Adios Amigos

This Weeks Numbers
Day: Monday, 9-6
Time: 57:28
Distance: 7.8 Miles

Day: Thursday, 9-9
Time: 26:37
Distance: 4.1 Miles

Day: Friday, 9-10
Time: 27:43
Distance: 4.3 Miles

Day: Saturday, 9-11
Time: 19:47
Distance: 3 Miles



  1. Hahaha... You are ridiculous! And disgusting! Just the way little brothers are made to be.

    Right now our weather is 73 degrees, and feels like 73 degrees. Guess you'll have the last laugh when we're below zero and you're shivering at a chilly 40 degrees.

  2. Jef-you are awesome!! Never let nature win! We are a different breed.